You know it’s not rational. You can list every reason this person isn’t right for you, isn’t available, isn’t even that invested. And none of it helps. The thoughts keep coming — the replaying, the checking, the little hit of hope every time they respond, the crash when they don’t. It doesn’t feel like a crush. It feels like something has hold of you.
If this is familiar, there’s a name for it: limerence. And there’s usually a reason it’s you experiencing it this intensely, and not someone else.
It’s not about them — it’s about what “love” trained you to expect
Limerence tends to hit hardest in people who grew up with attention that had to be won. Not necessarily neglect, not necessarily anything dramatic — just warmth that came and went unpredictably. Praise or affection that depended on your mood being convenient, your needs being small, your performance being good enough that day.
When love works like that early on, your nervous system doesn’t learn that connection is safe and steady. It learns that connection is something you have to earn, chase, and stay alert for — because you never knew when it would show up or disappear again.
That wiring doesn’t go away in adulthood. It just finds a new target.
Why the “wrong” person feels so magnetic
Someone unavailable, inconsistent, or hard to read can unknowingly recreate exactly the emotional weather you grew up in. Their unpredictability isn’t a red flag to your nervous system — it’s familiar. The uncertainty itself is what lights up the chase. When they do give you attention, it lands harder precisely because it’s scarce, the same way a compliment from an unpredictable parent once felt like something to hold onto for weeks.
This is why logic doesn’t touch it. You’re not choosing this person with your rational mind. An old survival pattern is choosing them for you.
This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you
If you’ve ever felt embarrassed by how intensely you feel this, or confused about why you can’t just “get over it” the way other people seem to — that shame isn’t warranted. This is a common, explainable response to an early environment where attention was inconsistent. It’s not a sign that something is wrong with you. It’s a sign that something learned a survival strategy a long time ago and hasn’t been updated since.
What actually changes it
Understanding the pattern intellectually is the first step, but it’s rarely enough on its own — you can know exactly why this is happening and still feel the pull just as strongly. The deeper work is helping your nervous system learn, experientially, that steady and consistent connection can feel safe rather than boring or suspicious. That’s a different kind of work than willpower or logic, and it’s very learnable.
If this resonates, you’re not broken, and you’re not alone in it. Understanding where this pattern came from — and building a different relationship with connection itself — is absolutely possible.
Restart Counseling specializes in attachment-based therapy for individual adults navigating patterns that trace back to early relationships, including the anxious, chasing intensity limerence brings. Book a session to start untangling it.
